Dear Peanut Brittle

Dear Peanut Brittle,

People have always come between us. They’ve kept us apart for so long. As a child, my mum desperately warned me against you, and the dentist stopped us from seeing each other. Over the years you were difficult to chew, and yes, there have been times when I grew frustrated or annoyed when you got stuck in my teeth; but that tends to happen in a relationship. Anyway, don’t they say that all great couples go through hard times?

When I discovered you unopened in the cupboard today, I just simply had to have you. We didn’t take it slow, either; I ripped open your packet and jammed you into my mouth. My teeth were under prepared; they screamed in agony as I bit you so hard…

Remember the time you were at that party? The one with the chips and dip? Nobody knew who you were. You were all alone, but I knew. Except, there was that one kid, Stewart. He was curious, too curious. He walked on over to our table and stood between us.

‘What’s this?’ He asked.

‘You wouldn’t like it.’ I replied, bluntly.

‘It looks pretty nice.’ He said, leaning in.

‘Well, it’s not,’ I glared ‘why don’t you go and try some of those chips.’ I insisted.

‘No, I think I’m going to try some of these.’ He smiled.

That little shit. I’d never been a violent child, I just wanted to protect you, and keep you all to myself. My teeth had grown sharp from our time together, so I knew if I could bite into you, then imagine the damage I could have done to Stewart’s skinny little girly arm. Luckily, I didn’t resort to violence and came up with this instead.

‘You know what these are made of don’t you?’ I asked. He shook his head. ‘Peanuts.’ I said.

‘So what?’ He shrugged.

‘You’re allergic to peanuts.’ I snarled.

‘Am not.’ He frowned.

‘Am too,’ I replied ‘your mum told me.’

‘Am not’

‘Am too!’

Stewart looked around, but couldn’t spot his mother.

‘But, I guess you could have just one.’ I smiled.

‘What will happen if I eat one?’ He asked.

‘Well, I guess, you’ll probably end up dead.’ I replied.

So there we were, just the two of us hanging out at the party. By the end of the night my stomach ached, and my teeth were so sticky that my mouth was jammed shut. I’ll never forget it.

Love,

Chris.

The Bump Into

We met inside Joe’s Coffee House. Well, technically, in the doorway of Joe’s Coffee House. She wore a bright blue dress with a decorative floral print (which, by the way, still looks amazing to this day). That morning, I was on my way out, and she was on her way in. I was still jittery after indulging in my second cup of coffee; she was flustered, and struggled to balance her awkward combination of urgency and clumsiness that I too saw in myself. Then it happened. We bumped into one another. She stepped right, and so did I. We both giggled. I smiled and she blushed. Then I went left, and she went left! I made the first move, and nervously apologised. She blushed some more, brushing the hair away from her face and said, softly – ‘It’s okay.’ Not wanting to hold her up (although, secretly hoping to) I stepped left once more, but coincidentally, so did she. We both excused ourselves simultaneously, stammering over the top of one another (which was cute… then) It was as if it was our destiny to bump into each other. Fate had brought us together, in it’s own romantically clumsy way. But after twenty thousand-odd left and right footsteps later, we’re still caught in the same doorway, unable to get out of each other’s way, not unlike an animated GIF.

As time went on Joe’s Coffee House eventually closed down and became a laundry mat, then a beauty spa, followed by a Thai massage parlour, a tattoo parlour, a Starbucks, a KFC, a tax agent, an adult store, and eventually another coffee shop. It didn’t seem to matter what happened either side of the doorway, we remained permanently stuck in our clumsy collision. She grew cold, irritable and sarcastically sinister, while I exchanged my smiles and charming mannerisms for demeaning mumbling slurs (directed mostly at myself). 

As unhappy as we were, our timing remained impeccable. She still shuffled left when I shuffled left. And when I went right, she wearily stepped right as well. Gradually, our apologies subsided to a mere sigh or grunt, then inevitably ceased to exist. Each time she brushed the hair away from her face, I quivered inside with rage. The awkward little nuisances we originally fancied in one another became one gigantic pain in the arse.

Still today, our doorway predicament often draws an audience of onlookers who sigh ‘awww’ in unison. Over the years we’ve featured on multiple news programs and even signed a book deal. The publisher thinks our story could be turned into a movie one day. She calls it ‘Hollywood’s first ‘Doorway Romance’. Together we’ve witnessed all types of things in the doorway. A couple of years ago when the cafe was still a KFC there was a robbery. They managed to escape through the open doorway with the safe and four hostages by walking right between us, without breaking our bind. KFC were so livid they attempted to sue us for neglecting our duty of rescue. The court hearing took place right there in the doorway, where we were forced to demonstrate our bind to the jury, as if we had a choice.

The latest coffee shop is currently undergoing renovations, the owner’s concerned that we’re going to get in his way. How ironic. ‘It’s nothing builders haven’t worked around before’ I told him. If something was to change and either she or I made an unexpected move and broke free, I don’t know what I would do with myself, to be honest. It’s been so long that I’ve grown comfortable, content even. My parents have been married 45 years and they can’t stand each other, but they persist. I guess it’s easier staying together sometimes, even when you have a choice.

When we’re alone at night we often talk about missed opportunities to travel abroad or the fact that we’ve never been intimate. As we grow old the chance that one of us may become too weak to stand is kind of exciting, thrilling even. We’ve even started placing bets on who will go first. She thinks it will be me, because of my arthritis. Hopefully, whoever goes first will still be young and healthy enough to travel, heck, even meet somebody else. As long as it’s not in a doorway that is. 

Our timing is so impeccable that we’ll probably go at the same time: dying in each other’s way. Come to think of it, that would be a fitting way to go. Romantic. A real Hollywood ending, the publisher would say. Like Romeo and Juliet, but nothing like that at all.

Singles/Couples

For singles looking for surprise there’s Tinder. For couples looking for surprise there’s Kinder. Only one of them comes with instructions.