Wouldn’t it be great to be a cartoon character? I mean, seriously. To be free from real-life limitations, and have your actions accompanied by staged SFX.
My high school careers adviser thought it an unrealistic ambition. She had never heard of anyone who went on to become a cartoon character, not in all of her fourteen years as a doughnut eating so-so careers adviser. So she couldn’t find me a placement. She did however, agree to ask around. My biology teacher said it was more of a transformation than a career choice, and based on his observations: my face wasn’t even the slightest bit cartoonish, but rather plain in reality. Nine years later, I’d come to terms with the un-animated fact that I would never become a Looney Tune, or Samurai Pizza Cat.
That was until this morning, when I fell out of bed. I heard a loud crash of sound FX, along with staged audience laughter. I then stepped on a loaded mousetrap which was planted by my bedside; it blew my toe up into a throbbing red balloon.
‘OUUUUCH’ I yelped, like the infamous Daffy Duck might have, limping to the bathroom to find a Band-Aid.
In a rush for work I furiously brushed my teeth, when my toothpaste began to foam up to a point where it covered my entire face. Lost in my minty cloud of Colgate, I reached for the tap but it was already too late. The bathroom was now completely full of foam. I rode its wave out into the hallway latching onto the dining table, until it eventually subsided, flooding out through the front door.
There was no time to clean up, or notice my animated reflection. I needed to get to work, and fast. I jumped into my car and hit the gas. The wheels spun for what felt like a minute, before the car launched itself out of my driveway and into star gate, leaving flames in its wake.
The sound of sirens soared in the distance; the highway patrol were on my trail. We swerved around impossible corners and squeezed down tiny back alleys, until I came to a dead end: a brick wall. They had me cornered, which triggered some tense orchestrated music.
I had 10 minutes until I started work and a pending jail sentence no doubt. How would a cartoon be treated on the inside? I quivered to think.
‘Step out of the vehicle’ echoed a voice from the cop car.
At that moment I desperately prayed for the wave of Colgate toothpaste to come roaring down the alley way and sweep the police cars adrift, or at least carry me over the building. It wasn’t to be. The sound of time ticking over on my watch amplified.
‘This is not the way a cartoon would go down.’ I proclaimed to myself.
With that, a sudden burst of exhilaration came over me, a fly or die moment. I hit the gas once more. My car flew like a bullet towards the brick wall, but rather than crash straight into it, I drove right up the side of the building, and onto the roof. The Police didn’t have the cartoon balls to follow in my Tyre marks, and I got away like a true cartoon vigilante.
I managed to scan in for work right on time, before the buzzer sounded. My co-workers found me animated in the cheesy SFX of audience applause. Oh the perks of being a cartoon character.
Absurd By The Word 