Robot Joe

Configuring Joe required not one, but two handbooks of detailed illustrations and translated text in five languages. The words bemused while the pictures confused. The contents consisted of large parts, small parts and even tinnier pieces grouped in twos. Joe sat still while we worked it all out, without an expression or smirk on his face; since we hadn’t installed these quirks just yet.

There would be one extra bolt remaining once Joe was standing, smiling and then quietly sobbing. ‘Why was he sobbing?’ we asked. That’s not what we wanted; perhaps we had purchased soppy Joe, instead of upright, happy and ready to do the dishes Joe. It must be that extra bolt.

Joe slumped from room to room absolutely depressed. He made the beds sure, but not without complaint. By the time he got around to the dishes he had eaten all of the ice cream, a block of Hershey’s and wept through two boxes of tissues. ‘How much is it to get someone sent out to put him together?’ we wondered. Joe cried all through the night and sat crossed legged in the corner of my eye. Sometimes he would even pace the hallway while humming Roy Orbison’s Cry.

We took him to the pictures and updated his shoes, gave him Wednesday nights off but he still had the blues. Bolt by bolt we unscrewed his face, but still we could not find a missing place. We followed the manual word by word and dissected the illustrations, Joe looked concerned. Concerned is better than soppy one might think, but just like a parent, Joe would not sleep! Whenever we ventured out too late, he waited by the door, vigorously pacing up and down the hall. He hummed and sighed, smoked and stressed over everything, including the length of my roommate’s tiny dress.

We unplugged his kneecaps and un-wired his ears, began to rebuild Joe over the course of a year. He became angry Joe, secretive Joe, thinks he’s funny Joe, lazy Joe, where is Joe?, back to soppy Joe, slow Joe, sleazy Joe, hungry Joe, Joe the cook, in denial Joe, rebellious Joe, pipe dream Joe, my name is not Joe, Joe, sarcastic Joe, shy Joe, dangerous Joe, daredevil Joe and then eventually upright, happy and ready to do the dishes Joe. Unfortunately, the battery ran out at this stage as did our warranty.

No more Joe.

 

 

 

Waynewolf

Wayne and Petra live rather uncomfortably together in a granny flat, which is tucked away behind a garden apartment that occupies the backyard of a beautiful leafy brownstone that’s attached to the rear of a terrace house. If you don’t count the fact that they’re technically leasing a pint-sized cubby house complete with timber walls and a single window, the rent is fairly cheap. It’s inner-city living and close to the organic grocery stores they can’t afford to frequent. However, their lease is up, and the tenants living in the over-shadowing garden apartment wish to increase the rent of their damp, dark and sublet cubby.

Wayne feels as though they should move, while Petra is determined to stay; which leads to an argument. They tend to argue most of the time, while squeezed together inside their tiny flat. Most mornings they’re woken up by the noise of construction taking place in the garden, which doesn’t help their fighting. There’s a second, even smaller granny flat being built right behind theirs. Their sole window will seemingly now peer straight into a concrete wall. Furious, Wayne growls at Petra.

‘We’re moving, case closed.’ He snarls.

‘And where do you think we’ll go? She pleads. ‘We have everything here!’

‘Everything? He asks. ‘We’re practically living in a terrarium. We could move in with a few of my mates above the pub just down the street. At least until we find our feet, and get our shit together.’

Peta shakes her head. ‘With like eight other people? You have a pack mentality that you can’t shake Wayne! You always have, and you always will.’

Wayne arrives at work later that night still snarling. He pours beer and empties cigarettes from ashtrays at a local bar. He received a text earlier from Petra, but avoided opening it. On his break he checks his Facebook notifications and craigslist for apartment listings. He worries that he’ll have to sleep on the couch, mainly because there is no couch – there wasn’t room for one. He considers sleeping in the wardrobe, upside down, like a bat. The text isn’t good. Petra wants to break up. He’ll have to make do curled up on the floor at the base of their bed. A full moon lights the sky that night. ‘Typical’ Wayne mutters to himself. Despite his attempts to break his habit, he can’t help but howl at the moon for the next hour. And who could blame him?

Wayne was just ten years old when a trout fisherman first discovered him lapping water from a river in Upstate New York. He was naked, but appeared to be unharmed. The fisherman approached the boy and asked him where his parents were. By the time emergency services arrived the fisherman’s clothes were completely torn off, and he was hanging for his life from the branches of a tree. He had several visible bite wounds. Wayne had reportedly fled into the woods on all four legs.

A forest-wide search for the boy lasted all of twenty-three days, before it concluded unsuccessfully. Several months later, Wayne was spotted once again by a film crew working on a nature programme in the area. He was feasting on the remains of a dead rabbit when they found him. They filmed and followed him over the course of a few weeks, concluding that wolves had raised the boy.

Wayne went on to feature in their BBC documentary – ‘The Boy Who Howls’. It detailed his upbringing in the wild, the mystery of his disappearance and the whereabouts of his parents. The documentary’s epic finale painfully dramatised Wayne being dragged away from his wolf parents, who were held back at gunpoint, and eventually tasered. Following the television program, Wayne became a minor celebrity and household name, garnering much public interest. After which, he was adopted by a foster family, educated and gradually entered into regular society for the first time.

Fifteen years later Wayne is now twenty-five. He’s an art-school dropout who occasionally bartends in Brooklyn. He was kicked out by his foster family, who refuse to be interviewed for this piece. Wayne has decided to move back in with the parents who raised him (the wolves), at least until he ‘gets his shit together’. However, so much has changed, and not everyone in the pack is happy to have him back.