Afterlife Postponed Due To Air Pollution

News Anchor: Now to Pakistan. Reports confirm that urban air pollution has become so bad that the souls of deceased residents in Pakistan’s capital Islamabad are being caught in the smog, as they attempt to make their way up to heaven. Judy…

Judy: That’s correct. Family members of the dead have surrounded Pakistan’s house of parliament today in protest of the reluctance of those in power to address the harrowing state of the city’s air pollution. More than 3,000 people have filed reports claiming that their homes are being haunted by their recently departed family and friends, who they say, have nowhere to go but float back down to earth.

News Anchor: We took to the streets and discovered that very few are pleased to welcome back their loved ones.

Widow: When I first saw my husband’s ghost at the window I was horrified. I told him that he shouldn’t have gotten that stupid tattoo in the 80’s. God has no tolerance for ink, let alone the drinking and adultery. But then he told me it had nothing to do with that. It was the sky, it was blocked, or something. I said, don’t get me started on that bomb of a van of yours. I told him it was blowing too much smoke. He never listened.

Grandson: At first, my sisters and I thought we were being robbed. There was a loud banging noise, when I ran downstairs it was my grandmother’s ghost. She was looking for her jewellery. I guess she expected us to wait longer than a week before we sold it.

Judy: A staggering 1/3 of families are unhappy to have the ghosts of their loved ones, and not so loved ones, return to simply linger around the house. And these numbers, unlike the souls of the deceased, appear to be rising.

Widow: At least when he was alive he would occasionally help around the house. But now, I can’t count on him to do a God-damn thing. He just floats there and does nothing. They should do something about the pollution. He should be God’s bloody problem now, not mine.

Landlord: The thing is, I was shattered when my tenant passed away last Friday. But by Monday, I kind of just got over it. I rented out his room and was moving on with my life. Now that he’s back, he’s scaring everybody off. Even in one the most crowded cities in the world, it’s going to be incredibly hard to rent out a haunted room.

News Anchor: We will continue to follow this ghostly story closely, as the city’s dead hope to rise above the smog.

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Other than beating people with it while under interrogation. Here’s another modern day use for the otherwise useless book of Yellow Pages – a doorstop. There’s no app for that, yet.

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Earlier today, a swivel chair recently reported missing by its owner has been spotted rolling around the outskirts of Sydney’s inner-west suburb of Summer Hill.

Sources close to the chair’s owner have said the relationship between the man and chair had broken down of late, due to the extra weight the man had gained.

‘If I was his chair, I would have rolled on out of there too.’ Said one.

With Easter fast- approaching, the chair is said to have fled the office before any further damage could be done. The owner of the chair declined to comment. However, a reward is being offered for the chair’s safe return to the office.

10 things you can do to avoid reading a Buzzfeed list of 10 things

1. Move to North Korea.

2. Report Buzzfeed as inappropriate and block it.

3. Time travel back to 2006, when Buzzfeed didn’t exist and you were much better off for it.

4. Close your eyes.

5. Whenever you see a Buzzfeed link appear on your newsfeed, keep scrolling down screen until you’ve gone so many pages back that it’s 2006 and Buzzfeed doesn’t exist.

6. Attach an electronic tag to your body that buzzes you when you even think of checking out which Girls character you are.

7. Start your own list.

8. Think of it as work and start procrastinating by looking at lists of things to do at work.

9. If you’ve read this far then it’s safe to say you’ll be back on Buzzfeed in 3, 2, 1….

10. I’ve failed you. If this was a Buzzfeed list they’d have at least another 17 tips for you. Now go see which Girls character you are for the third time this year.