Squash the Internet

Australian internet provider Optus have received thousands of calls over the last few days from customers complaining of a ‘broken internet’. Tech support lines have been jammed from Sydney to Mumbai since images of Kim Kardashian’s oily backside went viral last week.

A representative from Optus was forced to comment earlier today. ‘Checking out Kim Kardashian’s booty is not the reason your internet is broken.’ He paused. ‘It may just be a loose cable.’

Despite his refusal to blame the image for breaking the internet, he did admit that a ‘booty’ may cause, at least, some damage. ‘It is possible that the internet could be squashed by an image of somebody’s rear end; but in my opinion, it would need to be substantially bigger, and not as curvaceous.’

 

Mourning the Life of Macauley Culkin

The media are mourning the life of Macauley Culkin today. The New York Times had a 10 page memorial lift out ready-to-go and everything. Sadly, the former child star of loveable films such as, The Good Son and Home Alone, not to mention member of the band The Pizza Underground is alive and well, sharing this reference to a scene from Weekend at Bernies via the band’s Instagram account. The hoax began on social media and eventually landed on the desk of a Daily Telegraph writer, who prefers to remain anonymous.

‘Such a waste of a life.’ The writer said, as he tossed his piece on Culkin into the trash. ‘So many people grew up with him, it would have been a great 10 page lift out.’

Of recent, Culkin, 34, has been restricted to gossip columns who describe him as an unhealthy anorexic drug addict, on the verge of suicide. A source close to the actor admitted that a tribute to his life would have been a nice change of pace.