The Break up of Two & Five.

Two telephones Five and invites him over. ‘We need to talk’ she says. Aware of the only thing that could mean and in a state of panic, Five rushes over to the apartment only to find Six standing in the doorway. An argument breaks out.

 Five: Who is this guy?

 Two: It’s obvious isn’t it? Are you blind look at the shape of his body!

 Five: I don’t understand, what about us?

 Two: Do you know what day it is? It’s the ninth of June! Our year is up and um I think we should see other numbers.

 Five: Has it been a year already?

 Two: Yes and I’m tired of your stupid little goatee. Besides, I’ve outgrown you.

 Five: I can shave it!

 Two: You knew this day was coming. I told you when we first got together that this was a one year deal

 Five: But we had such an amazing time together. I thought I was different? Why can’t we be 25 forever?

 Six: Listen kid, she doesn’t want your number anymore.

 Two: Who knows you might meet another number and fall in love all over again. It’s just the way numbers work.

 Five: I dated a Four once, being 45 was horrible my back ached

Two: Well you will just have to wait!

Six: You might enjoy being on your own again.

Five: No way, what am I going to do now I’m back in kindergarten for Christ sake.

Two: Pack your things and go Five

 Five: I’ll get you back for this and next time around I’ll be dumping you!

 Two: See you in 26 years…

 

Preparing For The Biggest Loser

Twelve months ago there was no way I could have ever imagined that I would be sitting here slouched to my couch watching television on iview for hours at a time. In fact, many of my friends thought that after several years of being fit and healthy, I had somehow given up on being fat, lost interest in being obese or started enjoying the fact that I had gained the strength to support my own weight. This wasn’t the case; I still had the desire and motivation to be a contestant on The Biggest Loser.

I had just completed a cycle class at the gym where I burnt my final calories; I promised myself that it would be the last time that I’d treat my body to a workout. On the way out I cancelled my gym membership with the orange girl at reception and abandoned my usual protein shake. There was a kid standing alone across the street waiting at the bus stop, so I sold my bike to him for $5 and decided to take the bus.

Conveniently the bus stopped right outside the shopping center. There was no use putting it off any longer, I jumped out and made my way inside, it was time to do some much needed junk food shopping. For too many years I had been spending large amounts of money on health snacks and supplements along with pouring hours into physical exercise. Now was the time to invest half of that money into triple the amount of food and at least a million times the dosage of calories.

The confectionery aisle of my local supermarket was lit up like a Christmas tree and a rainbow of colour, which made it easy to locate. My shopping trolley was quickly filled with a mountain of sugary goodness. I imagined the heat wave outside melting the assortment of chocolate I had collected in the trolley into a river just like the one created by Willy Wonker in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. I’d paddle pop my way home on a wave of sweetness and a bellyache of buoyancy.

Once I got home I put on my eating attire, loose pants and an old t shirt. I loaded the fridge with the ammunition I was going to need, to regain the weight that I had lost over the past few years. The hardest part was behind me, I had escaped the confines of a gym contract so from here on in the challenge would take place from the comfort of my own couch. At first my body did not take too well to the cruel amount of sugar intake it was forced to process, my stomach groaned and moaned causing me to take toilet breaks that were longer than prime time commercial breaks. After several hours of snacking on potato chips and fairy cakes I eventually dozed off.

The next morning I began my Corn Flakes binge which fell into an afternoon Tim Tam marathon. I washed it all down with a combination of fizzy drinks and a strict do not get off the couch policy. I took naps and then re-napped, ordered a pizza for a four thirty lunch and dined on fish fingers and meat pies until midnight.

I’m now firmly back to my old ways pre health kick, and weigh more than I ever had at close to 200kg, which means I can confidently apply to be a contestant on The Biggest Loser and start the process all over again.