Operation: Moving In

Helping someone move into their apartment can be frustrating, to say the least. They want their couch here, then over there. Perhaps the bookcase should face the window, or not? Helping someone move into a new body is worse.

Patient: Please be gentle with that. I was on the waiting list for 3 whole years to get this heart.

Doctor: Eh, sorry. Ah, where would you like it?

Patient: Somewhere in the chest, obviously.

Doctor: Of course. I didn’t realize how small your  body was going to be. Nurse!

Nurse: Yes Doctor?

Doctor: Can I get a hand here?

Patient: Careful. It’s vintage and very fragile. I got it from an older gentlemen who was overweight and rarely exercised.

Nurse: We’ll be extra gentle…

Doctor: Let’s just get this thing done, here goes. One two three, lift!

Patient: Right, now if you could just put it down just over here by the lungs, a little lower. Wait, no. A fraction to the right, no no no the right. You’re veering left. Careful! You’re going to break it, you idiots!

Doctor: The heart generally goes over on the left.

Patient: Who’s heart is it? I’ll decide where it goes thank you very much

Nurse: I happen to agree with the Doctor…

Patient: It’s my body and I can put it where I want. Less talk, more moving. We’ve got a whole body to move here, chop chop.

Doctor: Right, scalpel

Nurse: This is going to be a tight squeeze.

Doctor: Just to be sure, you do want it on the right?

Patient: For Christ’s sake yes.

Doctor: Most people just like it where it normally goes. It may not beat very well here.

Nurse: How about we just put it down for a second, my arms are sore.

Patient: I’m not paying you to take breaks, operate god dammit!

Nurse: It’s super slippery…

Patient: You know what, I have an idea, if it’s not too much trouble. Put it down in my stomach for the time being. Let’s see what it looks like there.

Doctor: Well… I guess. I mean, you’re kind of bleeding out here.

Patient: I’ve got plenty of money if that’s what you mean.

Nurse: I think he meant, like, blood. You’re dying.

Patient: Oh right! Let’s get a move on then. I’ll need you to take the private parts labelled ‘fragile’ downstairs, immediately. I have a guest coming around for dinner and things could get exciting, if you know what I mean?

Nurse: Yes, right. The private parts. Doctor, would you mind?

Doctor: Of course. Now where would you like it? Your penis, that is.

Patient: Downstairs with the testicles, naturally.

Doctor: Can offer a suggestion?

Patient: Okay.

Doctor: What if we had it on display?

Nurse: Great idea!

Doctor: How about the forehead?

Patient: That sounds perverted.

Nurse: No, no. It will really go with your face.

Patient: I’m not so sure…

Doctor: Nurse. Gaffa tape.

Nurse: Right away Doctor.

Doctor: Let’s strap this little guy to your head, whatdya say?

Patient: If it looks wrong, we’re moving it back.

Doctor: Got it. Glue.

Nurse: Wow. It’s a natural fit.

Patient: I guess it does get a better view from up here.

Doctor: Exactly, why would you want it stuck in the basement?

Patient: Hmm.

Nurse: It suits you.

Patient: You don’t think people will see it and think I’m a bit of an exhibitionist?

Nurse: Or dickhead.

Patient: Right… dickhead.

Doctor: It’s a little late for that.