Real Estate: Buyer Beware

I recently moved into a home I bought on the internet. I found it online, so I got it for a good price. My wife and I inspected the property at Home World a few months earlier and absolutely loved it; sadly it was a little over our budget. Then my good old neighbour told me I could get the exact same house online, for much cheaper. I said, ‘really?’ And he said ‘Yeah.’ and I said ‘No way, really? And he said ‘Yeah.’ A little annoyed by this point. So I was like ‘How do I know it’s not a fake, or, or some kind of imitation?’ My neighbour just laughed. He then told me that the internet was pretty reliable these days. In fact, he’d not only found his wife online, but his daughter and new born son too. Other than the odd piece of small talk, I hadn’t spent much time with his wife or kids, but they did seem pretty real and authentic. So my wife and I decided to just do it. We ordered the house from a site in the U.K that was backed with some great reviews and customer testimonials.

Although the house itself was cheap, shipping costs were incredibly high, especially since it was only a small two bedroom house. I guess that’s where they get you. Then again, we did decide to pay a little extra to express ship it. We also added installation for an extra $50, deciding against the flat-pack option, because neither my wife or I are very handy with instructions. Two weeks later the house arrived right on time. Knowing that we weren’t going to be home I had the house delivered to my work instead. Looking back, we probably should have gone with the flat-pack option.

When the box arrived at work it was massive. So much so, that there was nowhere I could leave it without causing absolute KAOS in the office. The woman at reception was losing her mind. At first I had them drop it in the parking garage. This infuriated security. I ended up getting the delivery guy to take it to our property and install it without us being there, which was risky, considering the rough neighbourhood we lived in. But I didn’t really have much choice.

When we got home that evening we were less than impressed, to say the least. It looked nothing like it did on the website. And I’m not talking about anything cosmetic here. The design was completely different. We had ordered the home with a verandah and cement render finish, this house was fibro and wasn’t only missing the verandah, but front windows too! My wife was pretty pissed off, in fact, absolutely livid. I tried to keep my resolve, or hold on to what was left of it. We slept in the house that night and wrote an email to the website’s customer service team. Within two hours they had gotten back to us, thankfully. To their credit, they were lovely. The woman who handled our complaint was very sympathetic and apologetic. She admitted that there was an error in the warehouse. She ensured us that this was a rare occurrence, and would have the correct house shipped out immediately. We were pretty happy with the result, not knowing that the worst was yet to come.

Two weeks later the correct home arrived and we had just began decorating the interiors when horror struck. At first, we thought we had mice living up in the roof: how wrong we were. We called a pest inspector to come and take a look, to both his and our dismay there were no mice nestled in the ceiling, only people. Yep, there was a family of three living up there. The pest inspector managed to get them down, narrowly avoiding a fist fight with the older gentlemen. The woman had fire engine red hair that she wore in a Ronnettes-era hive. She wasn’t sure what all the fuss was about. ‘We’re part of the package, it’s okay! We don’t cost any extra, we’re free with every house.’ She smiled. That’s hardly the point I thought. Neither my wife or I were aware of this when we purchased the house. At least with Amazon you get an extra screen that allows you to review the details of your order.

It’s been six months since we moved in. The people in the ceiling are still there. We were unable to get a refund, or get rid of them. We haven’t bought anything on the internet since. The worst thing is: the people in the roof have family staying with them, with us. No wonder why the house was so much cheaper online than it was at Home World. I guess that’s where they get you.

Operation: Moving In

Helping someone move into their apartment can be frustrating, to say the least. They want their couch here, then over there. Perhaps the bookcase should face the window, or not? Helping someone move into a new body is worse.

Patient: Please be gentle with that. I was on the waiting list for 3 whole years to get this heart.

Doctor: Eh, sorry. Ah, where would you like it?

Patient: Somewhere in the chest, obviously.

Doctor: Of course. I didn’t realize how small your  body was going to be. Nurse!

Nurse: Yes Doctor?

Doctor: Can I get a hand here?

Patient: Careful. It’s vintage and very fragile. I got it from an older gentlemen who was overweight and rarely exercised.

Nurse: We’ll be extra gentle…

Doctor: Let’s just get this thing done, here goes. One two three, lift!

Patient: Right, now if you could just put it down just over here by the lungs, a little lower. Wait, no. A fraction to the right, no no no the right. You’re veering left. Careful! You’re going to break it, you idiots!

Doctor: The heart generally goes over on the left.

Patient: Who’s heart is it? I’ll decide where it goes thank you very much

Nurse: I happen to agree with the Doctor…

Patient: It’s my body and I can put it where I want. Less talk, more moving. We’ve got a whole body to move here, chop chop.

Doctor: Right, scalpel

Nurse: This is going to be a tight squeeze.

Doctor: Just to be sure, you do want it on the right?

Patient: For Christ’s sake yes.

Doctor: Most people just like it where it normally goes. It may not beat very well here.

Nurse: How about we just put it down for a second, my arms are sore.

Patient: I’m not paying you to take breaks, operate god dammit!

Nurse: It’s super slippery…

Patient: You know what, I have an idea, if it’s not too much trouble. Put it down in my stomach for the time being. Let’s see what it looks like there.

Doctor: Well… I guess. I mean, you’re kind of bleeding out here.

Patient: I’ve got plenty of money if that’s what you mean.

Nurse: I think he meant, like, blood. You’re dying.

Patient: Oh right! Let’s get a move on then. I’ll need you to take the private parts labelled ‘fragile’ downstairs, immediately. I have a guest coming around for dinner and things could get exciting, if you know what I mean?

Nurse: Yes, right. The private parts. Doctor, would you mind?

Doctor: Of course. Now where would you like it? Your penis, that is.

Patient: Downstairs with the testicles, naturally.

Doctor: Can offer a suggestion?

Patient: Okay.

Doctor: What if we had it on display?

Nurse: Great idea!

Doctor: How about the forehead?

Patient: That sounds perverted.

Nurse: No, no. It will really go with your face.

Patient: I’m not so sure…

Doctor: Nurse. Gaffa tape.

Nurse: Right away Doctor.

Doctor: Let’s strap this little guy to your head, whatdya say?

Patient: If it looks wrong, we’re moving it back.

Doctor: Got it. Glue.

Nurse: Wow. It’s a natural fit.

Patient: I guess it does get a better view from up here.

Doctor: Exactly, why would you want it stuck in the basement?

Patient: Hmm.

Nurse: It suits you.

Patient: You don’t think people will see it and think I’m a bit of an exhibitionist?

Nurse: Or dickhead.

Patient: Right… dickhead.

Doctor: It’s a little late for that.