My Uncle Thomas lives in a vegetable garden in his parent’s backyard next door to the basil and herbs. He didn’t always though, at first up until he was about sixteen he lived in a bedroom inside the house, after that in the kitchen in a ceramic pot with a view from the window.
My mother told me this story when I was nine years old, I had began chewing bubble gum frequently and this irritated her. It might have been the sound of me chewing all the time or blowing huge bubbles that covered the entire circumference of my face.Giant grape colored balloons that would pop and explode rudely interrupting conversations she was having with friends. She planted the fear in my belly that if I swallowed a piece of bubble gum a tree would begin to grow inside me. It was a common myth given to children I guess, even friends at school had been told the same thing but my mother told me with such a straight face that it almost seemed viable, almost.
She continued to warn me about it every time I asked to buy bubble gum and even when I didn’t. I promised her that I wouldn’t swallow it and always reminded myself to be careful when chewing, that was when she decided to tell me a tale about a non-existent uncle named Thomas who like me, chewed bubble gum too. She asked me if I remembered him at all. ‘We used to visit him at Nan and Pop’s house, don’t you remember? You were probably too little’ she said.
Apparently he was 16 years old when he started noticing something strange was happening. A tiny branch peeped out of the cuff of his shirt, he pulled at it but it didn’t budge. He ran into the bathroom and unbuttoned his school shirt, he had several branches growing out of his arms, his belly button and even his ears. It was Autumn so they were leafless but it made it difficult to put his shirt back on. He was sent home from school that day.
He tried to keep it secret and hoped the branches would fall off in the shower, but they didn’t. He trimmed them every morning with Pop’s garden clippers and tucked them into his school jumper. Branches grew out from his socks and one sprung straight up from the collar of his shirt picking his nose. In the Spring he was suspended from school when a flock of birds perched themselves on his branchy arms chirped so loudly that they disrupted the class.
A concerned Nan and Pop rushed Uncle Thomas to the hospital. The emergency reception desk was hidden behind a line of injuries. One man clenched his hand screaming, possibly a stab wound? The woman in front of him held her stomach and yelped in pain either from the strain she was feeling inside her stomach or the fact that her partner returned from the vending machine with a Mars bar when she had clearly stated she wanted a Snickers. The elderly gentlemen that was at the beginning of the line didn’t seem injured or sick at all but rather upset. Sticks and stones did not break his bones but words had apparently hurt him, he was in dire need of an emergency pep talk. Nan sat Uncle Thomas down by the television set and joined the line while Pop impatiently pushed through to the front of the queue.
‘My son needs urgent medical assistance it’s an emergency!’ he screamed. The woman behind the desk groaned as if to say ‘Another one who thinks he is the most important person in the universe.’ The man with the knife wound tried to interrupt, but Pop elbowed him straight in the nose as he turned pointing to where Uncle Thomas was sitting. ‘Where are you pointing?’ the receptionist asked. ‘Right there next to the TV’ he stressed. ‘Next to the pot plant?’ she frowned. Pop gasped and his mouth dropped ‘He is the pot plant!’ Uncle Thomas had quickly been growing into a small tree. His arms were covered in branches by this point, there were fresh buds protruding from his ear canals and his hair was a mess of leaves and an actual bird’s nest.
He was picked up and taken into a room where the doctor greeted him with a puzzled look. ‘Plant the patient down comfortably’ A nurse eased Uncle Thomas into a beautiful ceramic pot filled with fresh soil. ‘Quite the young tree you have here’ the doctor announced to Nan and Pop scribbling into a notepad. He emptied some flowers out of a vase that was sitting on the side table and began watering Uncle Thomas. ‘When did you start growing into a tree? Is the water okay?’ He asked. ‘Fine thank you. Since about Autumn’ replied Thomas. Nan and Pop were asked to step outside for a moment, the doctor did not seem overly surprised or shocked but rather concerned. ‘Do you or have you ever chewed bubble gum before?’ The doctor asked casually and Uncle Thomas nodded. ‘Okay I see, try and relax, make yourself comfortable. I’m just going to speak to your parents briefly in the hall’ the doctor motioned to the door.
In the hallway Nan and Pop recognized a man fiddling in his pockets for change, it was the man whose partner was suffering from stomach pains in the emergency waiting room. He’d returned to the vending machine looking for that Snickers bar. The doctor brought his hands together and said softly ‘We have received the results from the x-ray and although there are still some tests to proceed with before we can be absolutely certain. I’m of the opinion that your son may have swallowed some gum, bubble gum to be exact maybe several pieces.’ Both Nan and Pop looked at one another and then gazed at the doctor like he was a nut job for suggesting such a thing. ‘The transformation seems to be taking place quite quickly, I would expect that he may be a full blown tree in a matter of days. Of course, we will do our best to slow down the process but I would advise that you prepare young Thomas for his new life as a tree.’
Nan and Pop took some time to adjust to the news themselves, in all their time they had never heard of such a thing. A nurse escorted them to a small room where they were treated to a cup of tea and biscuits. Two other couples were also brought into the room, presumably parents too. Together they watched a brief informational video about the dangers of chewing gum and the consequences of swallowing it. When bubble gum lands in the stomach it acts as a seed and begins growing almost right away. It may take years in some cases, in others only months. The video displayed animated footage of the plant taking shape from the inside of the stomach and slowly spurting branches out of the body’s openings and even piercing the skin. The voice of the narrator explained that swallowing certain brands of bubble gum can even cause the branches to grow thorns making the whole process quite painful. Nan and Pop were relieved that Thomas chewed Wrigley’s and didn’t have any thorns, Nan had always had trouble in her rose garden with thorns, cutting herself regularly.
The doctor came to the conclusion that Uncle Thomas had swallowed the bubble gum at age nine. It had taken seven years for the gum and Thomas to grow into a tree. It seemed rather coincidental when Mum told me this, since I was Nine at the time of the story. I asked her what happened to Uncle Thomas, did he die? She told me that the doctor informed Nan and Pop that he would no longer have the appearance of a normal person. He would never speak again, or eat Tim Tams (my favorite biscuit at the time) he would just be a tree. Pop asked the doctor ”What kind of tree will he be? Should we expect fruit?’ The doctor shook his head. ‘He will be a bubble gum tree of course.’
They carried their potted son home and planted him in the vegetable garden, where he resides to this day. For awhile Nan and Pop picked and sold the bubble gum that grew from the leaves of Uncle Thomas during summer. It was a profitable little venture until a boy who lived down the street swallowed a piece and the whole thing became a massive liability.
I gave up chewing bubble gum after hearing this story and switched to chewing regular gum, it was a much safer alternative and sugar free.
By Christopher Brailey
Absurd By The Word 